Read this if you hate yourself
on why self-loathing is not a honest outcome of self-awareness
In conversation with a friend some days ago, she asked how I got to be very self-aware. I told her it was a direct outcome of my loneliness and melancholy as a child. I wasn’t physically strong enough to play extensively so I turned to books, daydreams and a lot of introspection.
Until more recently, my introspection resulted mostly in self-loathing. You see, I had a very conservative christian upbringing where the message was holiness and achieving perfection above all else. Every night, I would bind my thoughts, words and actions together and put them on a scale versus a stringent idea of what I knew to be right. The standard was Jesus, and based on our Christology, he was the perfect embodiment of what it means to be perfectly human and perfectly divine.
The problem was, by my own judgement, I was always found wanting. There were no markers for progress, you either attained the mark of the high calling or you didn’t. I did not and so, I loathed myself. And in my self loathing, I did not consider myself worthy of the air i breathed neither did I see much beauty in my existence.
The journey to vomiting all the negative stories I learned and told myself has been arduous but I realise now that as I rid myself of more lies, their escorts - shame and depression - retreated too.
To idealise oneself is to dehumanise oneself. I speak of acceptance very often and rightly so because it is the antidote to much despair. So what if you are filled with such terrible thoughts and feelings? How are you different from everyone else? Do you fancy yourself some angel, or Jesus or humanity’s best shot at divinity? What is so terribly wrong with being human that you despise?
Eloghosa Osunde writes about detangling goodness from worthiness, “they are not a braid”, she says. In my last letter, I wrote to let you know that it is okay to not be a “good person” and now, I am writing to tell you that this being human, in all its beautiful and terrible ways, is enough. You are worthy of the air you breathe and all the beauty in the world (I leave out the terror because terror leaves no doubt in its wake, we all experience it. But beauty requires keen observation).
One of my favourite contemporary philosophers, Alaine de Botton, talks about deprioritising self-love and embracing self-understanding on the journey to finding love (this was in a romantic context but it makes sense for all aspects of our lives). “When it comes to self-love, it’s not so much about loving yourself, but accepting that all human beings have their less impressive sides. They don’t mean that you are a terrible person who doesn’t deserve love. They just mean you are part of the human family.”
When we speak about love, I think what we mean is that we want to be fully seen and fully accepted for what we are. Do we not owe that to ourselves too?
If the outcome of all your self-evaluation is self-loathing, then you have not been fully honest about your own humanity. And what worse hell exists besides the one we hold the keys to?
To truly understand oneself is to:
Be honest about one’s positive traits and what traits one can improve on. And to accept both. It is dishonesty, not humility to diminish your strengths.
To explore the negative traits within the context of one’s humanity and to take steps to improve on them, acknowledging one’s progress, however slow.
To keep in mind that perfection is a lie and that hate is not capable of bringing about any real change but compassion (or grace) does.
What I was up to in October 2024:
I started a new role in a new industry, on a new career path. Bridges for Enterprise supports social entrepreneurs in Africa, Latin America and South-East Asia with pro bono advisory services. If you know any impact-focused startups who might benefit from our bespoke advisory services, direct them to apply via www.bridgesforenterprise.com or send an email to outreach@bridgesforenterprise.com.
This month, I listened to Sleeping at Lasts, “to be enchanted” on repeat, almost everyday. This letter from Ask Polly healed something in me - “I’m too lazy and mediocre to deserve the life that I want”.
I’m rereading Natasha Lunn’s “Conversations on Love” and my goodness, what a resource! I think everyone should pick it up. Some of my fave TV shows were back on my screen so I binged them. If you like thrilling, political drama, you will enjoy The Diplomat. If you enjoy legal drama, see The Lincoln Lawyer. And if you’re a sucker for sweet, soft, queer romance, what are you doing if you haven’t seen Heartstopper. All showing on Netflix. This is not paid advertising.
In other news . . .
The Table Community is having a conversation (online) on African Philosophy and Indigenous Knowledge Systems with Kemi Lijadu this November. If that’s your vibe, register here.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading, you’re a champ!
"To idealise oneself is to dehumanise oneself."
There's the freshness of truth in this submission. The whole idealisation scheme is usually socially oriented too, forcing ideals foisted on you by others. "Killing yourself for nothing."
Thanks a lot for this piece.
Great stuff.
I can relate to some of the things you penned down.
Self loathing fuels self destruction.
And destroying one's self from within outputs an erasure that almost eliminates one on all front.
Coupled with second guessing one's self, there's little or no progress that will made.
I wish many more people knew this and would give themself grace to be, rebuild, and live as it was written of them.
Phewww...
Happy birthday in advance!