The problem with wanting things
And what if you hope with your full chest?
Have you ever seen an episode of Love is Blind? If you haven’t, it’s a Netflix reality show - a social experiment where participants date blindly (there is a wall between them) for 10 days, and they only get to see each other after one party has proposed marriage. They also must have a wedding three (3) weeks after the proposal. At the wedding, each couple gets to decide if love is truly blind by their decision to say “I do” or “I don’t” at the altar. Now this post is not about the show itself, or my thoughts about the production thereof. This post is about desire, about longing, about hoping out loud.
I think the participants on Love is Blind are brave, at least those of them who go on the show for the actual purpose of finding a marital partner. Similar to everyone who comes on a virtual speed dating show I co-host (See #SpeedDatingwithSelema on X, formerly Twitter). I think it is brave to make a public declaration about wanting something, and be subject to the possibility of not getting that which one desires. It feels like a special kind of failure.
To want, and to declare said wanting, is to admit a lack. To admit a lack is to be vulnerable. To risk vulnerability is to be brave. It is even trickier when that desire is for romantic love because we seem to live in an age where “self love” is the most applauded thing. And while I do admit that loving oneself unabashedly is ultimately necessary, I do not believe that it is antithetical to the desire for companionship. Self love is important. Familial love is important. Communal love is important. Friendship love is important. Romantic love is important. All loves are important. All loves are necessary for our survival.
I have a precarious relationship with desire and with hope. I want to be a hopeful person but whenever I want something, I fear that if I admit to wanting it, then I’d jinx it and ultimately suffer from disappointment and the feeling of failure. If I act indifferent, then the disappointment wouldn’t hurt as much. I’ve found this to be untrue though, the disappointment still hits as hard even when I pretend to be nonchalant. Even if I choose not to feel it. I’m learning that it is okay to want things and to hope for them. It is okay to be seen to want or need things. And it is even okay to allow myself feel the weight of disappointment when I don’t get the things I want. Disappointment does not invalidate desire, or make it trite.
Last weekend, I made a quick trip to Ibadan with a friend who is relocating from Lagos. She wants out of the chaos of this city and I get it. When we arrived at her new home, I immediately thought, “yes, this is so you!”. It is a beautiful house with a beautiful garden. A house with character and personality. On our way back, I ask how she feels about the house-hunting experience - the dance of seeking and finding. She tells me that at the height of her frustration, she felt led to vocalise her desire. Her chi asked, “What kind of house do you really want? You’ve said what you don’t want but not what you want. What do you want? Say it out loud.” And when she said yes to her desires, her chi responded in the affirmative. I said to her, “What you were looking for was looking for you the entire time” because what are the odds that you got this apartment that fits your personality and desire in an obscure estate in Ibadan.
So, what do you really want? Say it out loud. Hope with your full chest. Risk vulnerability. If disappointment comes, make room for it. And when a new desire is born, dare to hope again. Where there is hope, there is life.
What I’ve been up to:
My team at The Northstar Library had our first #PopUpandRead event - a communal reading experience. I am really proud to be a part of this and we have only just begun. Ask me about what we aim to achieve at the Northstar Library and how you can support us.
I enjoyed reading “Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow” by Gabrielle Zevin; and “Out on a Limb” by Hannah Bonam-Young.
I saw Interstellar for the first time and wondered why I didn’t see it earlier. I also really enjoyed the Apple TV series - Lessons in Chemistry. Both 10/10.
If you’d like to know my thoughts on any topic, or if you’d like to share a personal experience with me and get a personal response, feel free to send me an email via orethebrave@gmail.com.